Sunday, March 22, 2009
Top 10 Bands That Should Have Quit While Ahead
Thanks again for all the positive (and lack of) negative comments on the lists in general. I appreciate the support as I annoy you and waste your time. Now, on to the list.
Thanks to Melissa for this idea, it really hit the spot. As an explanation, this list ranks the bands and musicians that were at one point very, very good, and ended up very, very bad. Had they stopped somewhere along the way, their legacy would be preserved. As a reminder to how this works, number 10 would be the band that fell from grace the least, and number 1 fell the most.
10. The Who
Should Have Stopped After: Quadrophenia (1973)
9. Everyone in Blink-182
Should Have Stopped After: Blink-182 (2003), before any of them released any material as +44 or Angels and Airwaves
8. Radiohead
Should Have Stopped After: Ever deciding to form a band and torture my generation with the abominations they claim to be “innovative music”.
7. Bob Dylan
Should Have Stopped After: Slow Train Coming (1979)
6. Guns N Roses
Should Have Stopped After: Appetite for Destruction (1987)
5. Prince
Should Have Stopped After: Purple Rain (1984)
4. U2
Should Have Stopped After: Auchtung Baby (1991)
3. Gwen Stefani
Should Have Stopped After: Probably Tragic Kingdom (1995), but definitely Rock Steady (2001)
2. Eminem
Should Have Stopped After: The Marshall Mathers LP (2000)
1. Michael Jackson
Should Have Stopped After: Thriller (1982)
Top 10 Seinfeld Episodes
10. The Rye (S07E10)
9. The Cartoon (S09E12)
8. The Dinner Party (S05E12)
7. The Heart Attack (S02E8)
6. The Bottle Deposit (S07E20+21)
5. The Contest (S04E10)
4. The Switch (S06E10)
3. The Outing (S04E16)
2. The Alternate Side (S03E10)
1. The Strong Box (S09E13)
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Top 10 Bands That Prove God Hates Us and Wants Us to Suffer
He would be higher on the list but he’s really not making music any more. A quick Wikipedia search will tell you that not only does he white wash music that we may consider “racial,” he’s also a devoted Christian fanatical douchebag. His self-proclaimed biggest fan is evangelical TV preacher Jack Hayford. And in 2006 he said that those who opposed the Iraq War couldn’t ever be considered patriotic. So have fun with that. Also, he used to live next to Ozzy Osbourne.
9. Color Me Badd
From Oklahoma, the land that God forgot, comes Color Me Badd. They officially disbanded in 2000, but not before releasing I Wanna Sex You Up which is basically three or so minutes of over produced white-neo-urban-pop-R&B pseudo porn. Just nothing good about any of it. They also were almost single handedly responsible for the boy band boom in the late 90s thanks to their success in the early 90s.
8. Nickelback
Oh lordy, do I hate Nickelback. And basically anyone I’ve ever met also hates them. I’m not sure how they sold a single record, but last count, they’ve sold millions and millions and millions and millions of fucking albums. Seriously. What the fuck. That’s not even a question. It’s a statement.
7. Kenny G
Okay, so he’s basically a parody of a real musician, and has been the butt of every joke since forever. I can’t even add anything. The problem is, he sells records. I hate him. I don’t sell records, but even if I did, I’d hate him. I mean, don’t you?
6. Coldplay
Out of all the bands on this list, Coldplay is probably the most mainstream, relevant, and unfortunately, popular. But let’s be clear. They’ve always been royally terrible. I mean, it’s bald. It’s whitewashed. It’s a weaker, slower version of Radiohead. And Radiohead is so awful I’d rather cut open my genitals than listen to a whole record of theirs. And Coldplay is worse than that.
5. Yanni
This might be a bit of a knock on the man. I mean, he’s put out a lot of albums, and he really stays out of the mainstream, because as far as I can tell, he understands we all hate him. I mean, he’s a Big Ten college grad (U. of Minnesota), and he’s completely self taught. Which is all respectable. However, he looked at John Tesh and decided that he would be an excellent band mate. Also, he regularly pimps for PBS. This list will certainly show him for helping a good cause!
4. Michael Bolton
HOLY LORD, Michael Bolton sucks. After seeing him on some of the VH1 “I Love the...” shows, I realized he has a sense of humor about how he sucks, and writes songs for fat 45 year old women, but that doesn’t excuse him. Not at all.
3. Celine Dion
Now, I hate Canadiens, but she deserves to be on this list for that Titanic song along. Aside from that, she caused that SNL skit where someone parodied Celine Dion and had a talk show, and that reoccurring skit was one of the worst things ever. It’s so bad that in the first draft of this I wrote “shit” instead of “skit” and Spell Check had no problem with it. Even Spell Check knows.
2. Creed
I asked three people who should be on this list, and they all said Creed first. So, Creed’s first. Except I vetoed them. So Creed’s second. Maybe it’s not fair. But you know what? They took grunge, made it even worse, added a Christian edge, and then shit it out across the United States. A very good friend of mine was into Creed in 7th grade. I won’t shout him out, but he knows who he is. They’re just terrible. And then they broke up, and Scott Stapp went solo, and the rest of the band became Alter Bridge, and both were as bad as Creed. It goes to show: shit minus shit still equals shit.
1. Insane Clown Posse
Juggalos. Google them. Look them up. Look up ICP. Or it’s record label. Or their professional wrestling league. Read up on them and come argue with me. That is all.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Top 10 Music Videos of All Time
Yes. Mtv. Music Television. Yes, throw in cliche jokes about how Mtv doesn't play videos anymore. I don't care. Music videos used to really be relevant. I remember when I was younger and my first exposure to songs was generally through music videos, because at that point I wasn't really listening to the radio. Anyway, below are my top ten choices for best music videos of all time, and for the first time ever, an honorable mentions section.
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10. Here I Go Again, Whitesnake
9. Smack My Bitch Up, Prodigy
8. Freak on a Leash, KoRn
7. Sabotage, Beastie Boys
6. Don’t Come Around Here No More, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
5. Here It Goes Again, OK Go
4. Sledehammer, Peter Gabriel
3. Buddy Holly, Weezer
2. Weapon of Choice, Fatboy Slim
1. Thriller, Michael Jackson
Honorable Mentions: Take on Me, A-Ha; Hurt, Johnny Cash
Monday, March 16, 2009
Top 10 Albums of the 1980s
10. It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back, Public Enemy
9. Closer, Joy Division
8. Back in Black, AC/DC
7. Run D.M.C., Run D.M.C.
6. 1984, Van Halen
5. Graceland, Paul Simon
4. Surfer Rosa, The Pixies
3. Born in the U.S.A., Bruce Springsteen
2. Violent Femmes, Violent Femmes
1. Thriller, Michael Jackson
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Top 10 Cartoon Series of All Time
10. Tom & Jerry
Best Episode: Episode 13: The Zoot Cat
This one holds a deep place in my heart. My favorite childhood stuffed animal was a Jerry. The first book I remember my mom giving me was a big, hardcover coffee table book about the show. The mashups of action and classical music are still unique and entertaining to this day.
9. The Flintstones
Best Episode: Season 1, Episode 25: In the Dough
If anyone ever asks you what the first cartoon marketed to adults was, the answer is The Flintstones. They were sponsored by a tobacco company, and regularly appeared in cigarette commercials, which you can still find on YouTube. What made the cartoon truly great were all of the “old fashioned” gadgets that were made up by the dinosaurs, and they’d always zoom in on the dinosaur and he’d go “You think your job stinks” and there’d be a trombone sound in the background. A simple formula, but comic gold.
8. Aqua Teen Hunger Force
Best Episode: Season 4, Episode 6: Party All the Time
This is probably pound for pound the least famous, and least popular cartoon on the list, but it has a devout cult following. It takes place in New Jersey, where three Detectives (though the show has pretty much abandoned that angle) are living as roommates. Of course, the main characters are Frylock, a floating box of french fries, Master Shake, a five foot tall milkshake, and Meatwad, a small ball of meat that can transform into an igloo and hot dog shape. For me, what makes it great is its originality, and the outlandish nature of the plots and casts of characters. My favorite character is definitely Carl, who’s deadpan voice and misanthropic nature lend itself to some classic lines (“I put two and two together and decided you’re pissing me off.”) Not to mention his love of sleezy women and 80s Metal (such as Foreigner). Plus the show has had some fantastic guest stars, namely Andrew W.K. and Danzig.
7. Family Guy
Best Episode: Season 2, Episode 14: Let’s Go to the Hop
Okay, let’s make this clear. I don’t find this show funny at all anymore, and most of this information and commentary will be me talking shit. Like The Flintstones, it relies heavily on a formula, namely setting up disconnected flashbacks often based around puns or “the last time we...”. One of the things that made it unique in the beginning were the musical numbers, but I think the show is relying on those too much now, too. Don’t get me wrong. Prom Night Dumpster Baby is fucking funny as Hell. But after watching a few episodes the formula of story telling can be tiring. That aside, there are some points that are just chest burstingly hilarious, such as any moment where Adam West is doing anything, which earn it a spot on the list.
6. Fairly OddParents
Best Episode: Season 2, Episode 22: Cosmo Con / Wanda’s Day Off!
I’ll give you a clue. Spongebob Squarepants is not on this list. And the reason is that Fairly OddParents is so much funnier, but lacks the cutesy pajama pants at Target, etc. The cartoon subscribes to the Shrek formula, which is content that children of a range of ages can enjoy, as well as references that adults can laugh at, too. Recently they’ve added new characters and the show has started to go off, but if I’m surfing the channel I’ll always stop on this show. The show has a dynamite cast of supporting characters, including Ben Stein as the business-all-the-time Pixies, and Kris Kirpatrick as Chip Skylark, the famous boy-band superstar who’s always singing about teeth and dental hygiene. Adam West is also featured in this show as Catman, who is just ridiculous.
5. South Park
Best Episode: Season 5, Episode 1: Scott Tenorman Must Die
Johnny Cash Syndrome. That’s South Park in three words. Yes, the Scott Tenormen episode will make you pee your pants. Yes, they’ve had some classic episodes. But, South Park is really hit or miss, which has unfortunately limited its ceiling. And lately the show has basically just begun parodying whatever is in the news and adding crude jokes to go along with the story. The episodes that parodied Family Guy truly were genius, and the first few seasons are classic, but I feel like it’s taken a huge step down in the past few years, which is too bad.
4. Rugrats
Best Episode: Season 1, Episode 11: Touchdown Tommy
Another classic Nickelodeon show. The best episode: the Super Bowl one where one of the babies gets a bottle of chocolate milk, and they all start fighting over it, and the action in the pen mimics the action in the Super Bowl, with the play-by-play from the game being broadcast over the babies struggle to keep their bottle. I know that in the end they started to add characters and the show generally became shitty, but in general the characters were well developed, including the parents. It always struck me odd that Tommy was such a MacGuyver-esque genius, yet his father Stu, a toy inventor, couldn’t invent his way out of a wet paper bag.
3. Futurama
Best Episode: Season 2, Episode 4: Fry and the Slurm Factory
This was cancelled way before it’s prime. Similar to Arrested Development, Futurama was brilliant but couldn’t muster the ratings and revenue to keep it on TV. In the wake of its demise almost every episode has become a classic. Like the Flintstones and the Jetsons before it, Futurama got mileage out of taking modern inconveniences and putting them in a different time. Add in the space travel, stream of minor characters that filled different niches, and really I could watch this show all day.
2. Rocko’s Modern Life
Best Episode: Season 1, Episode 6: Trash-O-Madness
The third Nickelodeon cartoon on this list, and far and away the best. I watch these episodes even today, as a 21 year old, and can’t believe this was every marketed to children. So many of the jokes and concepts were really over my head as a kid, but the cartoon was done so well that I didn’t even notice, and still loved the show. It contained a lot of commentary on modern society, especially consumerism, and the animation seemed to be bad on purpose. In fact, the cartoon contained no parallel lines. The writing was chocked full of double entendres and sexual innuendos, and I recently read that a lot of the jokes have been edited in rebroadcast, which is a shame.
1. The Simpsons
Best Episode: All of Season 8
You can’t beat The Simpsons. It might not be the original, but after 20+ years it’s still going strong, and has dozens of classic episodes that even casual fans can recount years later. The Simpsons are to cartoons and television in general as The Beatles are to rock ‘n roll. I don’t care who you are, you know there are at least five episodes you love. And the fact that some of those might come from Season 8, Season 10, Season 13 is more impressive than people realize. People knock The Simpsons for “not being funny for years”, which I disagree with in general, though I can admit there is a time, roughly around Season 14 that the writing generally declines. That being said, The Simpsons still turned out 13 seasons of absolutely amazing episodes. Hundreds of great guest stars, every plot twist imaginable and then some, and catch phrases and characters that never grow old. The Simpsons is plain and simple a powerhouse. Most of the cartoons on this list that came after The Simpsons started stole/borrowed ideas, concepts, techniques, or plots from them. I could write for pages on the brilliance of The Simpsons and their timeless genius, but I’ll keep myself from rambling.
Top 10 Metal Songs of the 1980s (That We're Afraid to Admit We Like)
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Top 10 Cover Songs
As always, leave comments, flame wars, wild defamation, and unproven hyperbole below.
10. Sweet Dreams, Marilyn Manson (Original by Eurythmics)
9. Somebody to Love, Jefferson Airplane (Original by The Great Society)
8. Summer Lovin', The Vandals (Original by Grease Cast)
7. Big Poppa, Mindless Self Indulgence, (Original by Notorious B.I.G.)
6. I Will Survive, Cake (Original by Gloria Gaynor)
5. Jolene, The White Stripes (Original by Dolly Parton)
4. Tainted Love, Soft Cell (Gloria Jones)
3. Cum On Feel the Noize, Quiet Riot (Original by Slade)
2. Istanbul (Not Constantinople) , They Might Be Giants (Originial by Jimmy Arnold and Nat Simon)
1. Hurt, Johnny Cash (Original by Nine Inch Nails)
Top 10 Bands to See Live
10. Flogging Molly
To be totally honest, I'm not a big Flogging Molly fan. But you can't argue with the energy they bring, even if they're old. The Celtic-Punk fusion sound really just means you can definitely do some awesome body moving.
9. Mindless Self Indulgence
A lot of people really, really, really hate MSI. Which is a shame, because if you're into anything slightly offensive, watching Lil Jimmy Urine interact with the crowd is a great thing to see. It's hard to argue with a man who can alternate between a growl and ear-splitting falsetto while taking off his pants and flipping the bird.
8. Los Campesinos!
An actual UK band (unlike Flogging Molly, that just pretends), Los Camp! has seven members who would really like you to dance around while they play some danceable punk. I didn't stop smiling the entire concert, I don't even know why. On top of that they are a pretty great band, and are good looking with British accents. Need I say more?
7. Andrew Bird
It doesn't seem like Andrew Bird would be a great act to see live. His records are mostly down-tempo, and to be honest, can be rambling. But to watch him create his songs live in incredible. He's usually either alone or with a drummer. He will play pieces of his songs on one instrument, record it as a loop, and then play another instrument and so on, until he has built the entire song on his loop station. Then he'll play through the song, weaving in the loops of violin, guitar, whistling, xylophone, clapping, etc. A must see!
6. The Faint
The only Saddle Creek Records band on the list (which may be surprising to people who know that I cream over every act they've ever had). The Faint is certainly danceable, but lately has been building on noise music. What makes them a great band to see is that they incorporate synchronized light and video shows. Add this to the great music and it's definitely a great time to be had by all.
5. Reel Big Fish
RBF has three gigantic positives for their live shows: great, great songs, unexpected set lists including fantastic cover songs, and a very, very long set list. Anyone who's seen them can say that their banter between songs is pretty hilarious, and you really never know what you're going to get. It'll be a solid mix of old favorites, new classics, and bizarre, random, delicious cover tunes.
4. Gogol Bordello
Eugene Fucking Hutz. End of story. Youtube this guy. His energy is out of this world. And their klezmer sound is fueled by a fiddle player that is roughly 60. This trans-European act will blow you away, even if you don't know a word to any of their songs. And there are a lot of words you won't know, since Eugene will sing is several languages in the same song.
3. Bruce Springsteen (and the E Street Band)
I've seen The Boss three times, though once was just two songs when he opened for John Kerry during 2004 election season. Around that time I saw him another political tour (Bright Eyes opened), and he played for three fucking hours. Three hours. And he's old, man. But he's going to play every song you love, he's going to play it well, and you're going to love it, goddammit. I saw him on an acoustic tour as well, and he no longer had his Jersey swagger, he was tender, yet heartfelt and strong. But I've always loved his acoustic material, though a lot of people don't.
2. They Might Be Giants
The first time I saw them, they got the entire crowd to do a conga line. They have fun, they will make you have fun. Their songs are playful, but not silly, and they have a whole lot of good ones. They will pull out boxes and boxes of instruments, do some kid songs, and probably a surprise cover or two. They've been playing monthly shows in New York City lately, but I haven't had the time to see them and it's a shame. They also may play a song that they wrote specifically for your venue. At one point they did a 30 city tour, played a song about each venue at that show, recorded them, and released them on a record. Not many bands vary their set lists at all on a tour, let alone write an entire new song for each night.
1. Green Day
I know I'll get shit for this, but if you've seen them live, you understand. A giant wall of video screens, synchronized pyrotechnics, great tunes, and always a few awesome covers thrown in for good measure (such as Always Look on the Bright Side of Life and Shout, all woven into their deep cut "King for A Day" off of Nimrod). Though they have backing musicians now, they'll always do a few old songs off of Dookie as a trio, with Billie Joe using his original white stratocaster, the guitar he played up until they recorded Dookie. No matter what they charge, I'll go see them. The two times I've seen them were the most fun I've ever had in my life. Taking my sister the second time made it even better, because it was her first major concert.
Top 10 Beatles Songs
Your list would almost certainly be different. I encourage discussion, debate, flaming, faggotry, and wild, unproven speculation.
And it begins....
10. I Want to Hold Your Hand
9. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
8. Yesterday
7. Eight Days a Week
6. Hey Jude
5. I Am the Walrus
4. Come Together
3. Happiness is a Warm Gun
2. Let it Be
1. Eleanor Rigby
Top 10 One Hit Wonders From the 90s
10. Just A Friend, Biz Markie
9. Cotton-Eyed Joe, Rednex
8. Barbie Girl, Aqua
7. Closing Time , Semisonic
6. Love Fool, Cardigans
5. Roll to Me, Del Amitri
4. Breakfast at Tiffany's, Deep Blue Something
3. Semi-Charmed Life, Third Eye Blind
2. Sex and Candy, Marcy Playground
1. Hey Jealousy, Gin Blossoms