Top 10 Bands That Prove God Hates Us and Wants Us to Suffer

10. Pat Boone
He would be higher on the list but he’s really not making music any more. A quick Wikipedia search will tell you that not only does he white wash music that we may consider “racial,” he’s also a devoted Christian fanatical douchebag. His self-proclaimed biggest fan is evangelical TV preacher Jack Hayford. And in 2006 he said that those who opposed the Iraq War couldn’t ever be considered patriotic. So have fun with that. Also, he used to live next to Ozzy Osbourne.

9. Color Me Badd
From Oklahoma, the land that God forgot, comes Color Me Badd. They officially disbanded in 2000, but not before releasing I Wanna Sex You Up which is basically three or so minutes of over produced white-neo-urban-pop-R&B pseudo porn. Just nothing good about any of it. They also were almost single handedly responsible for the boy band boom in the late 90s thanks to their success in the early 90s.

8. Nickelback
Oh lordy, do I hate Nickelback. And basically anyone I’ve ever met also hates them. I’m not sure how they sold a single record, but last count, they’ve sold millions and millions and millions and millions of fucking albums. Seriously. What the fuck. That’s not even a question. It’s a statement.

7. Kenny G
Okay, so he’s basically a parody of a real musician, and has been the butt of every joke since forever. I can’t even add anything. The problem is, he sells records. I hate him. I don’t sell records, but even if I did, I’d hate him. I mean, don’t you?

6. Coldplay
Out of all the bands on this list, Coldplay is probably the most mainstream, relevant, and unfortunately, popular. But let’s be clear. They’ve always been royally terrible. I mean, it’s bald. It’s whitewashed. It’s a weaker, slower version of Radiohead. And Radiohead is so awful I’d rather cut open my genitals than listen to a whole record of theirs. And Coldplay is worse than that.

5. Yanni
This might be a bit of a knock on the man. I mean, he’s put out a lot of albums, and he really stays out of the mainstream, because as far as I can tell, he understands we all hate him. I mean, he’s a Big Ten college grad (U. of Minnesota), and he’s completely self taught. Which is all respectable. However, he looked at John Tesh and decided that he would be an excellent band mate. Also, he regularly pimps for PBS. This list will certainly show him for helping a good cause!

4. Michael Bolton
HOLY LORD, Michael Bolton sucks. After seeing him on some of the VH1 “I Love the...” shows, I realized he has a sense of humor about how he sucks, and writes songs for fat 45 year old women, but that doesn’t excuse him. Not at all.

3. Celine Dion
Now, I hate Canadiens, but she deserves to be on this list for that Titanic song along. Aside from that, she caused that SNL skit where someone parodied Celine Dion and had a talk show, and that reoccurring skit was one of the worst things ever. It’s so bad that in the first draft of this I wrote “shit” instead of “skit” and Spell Check had no problem with it. Even Spell Check knows.

2. Creed
I asked three people who should be on this list, and they all said Creed first. So, Creed’s first. Except I vetoed them. So Creed’s second. Maybe it’s not fair. But you know what? They took grunge, made it even worse, added a Christian edge, and then shit it out across the United States. A very good friend of mine was into Creed in 7th grade. I won’t shout him out, but he knows who he is. They’re just terrible. And then they broke up, and Scott Stapp went solo, and the rest of the band became Alter Bridge, and both were as bad as Creed. It goes to show: shit minus shit still equals shit.

1. Insane Clown Posse
Juggalos. Google them. Look them up. Look up ICP. Or it’s record label. Or their professional wrestling league. Read up on them and come argue with me. That is all.