Top 10 Bands That Should Have Quit While Ahead

First, a few notes.

Thanks again for all the positive (and lack of) negative comments on the lists in general. I appreciate the support as I annoy you and waste your time. Now, on to the list.

Thanks to Melissa for this idea, it really hit the spot. As an explanation, this list ranks the bands and musicians that were at one point very, very good, and ended up very, very bad. Had they stopped somewhere along the way, their legacy would be preserved. As a reminder to how this works, number 10 would be the band that fell from grace the least, and number 1 fell the most.

10. The Who
Should Have Stopped After: Quadrophenia (1973)

9. Everyone in Blink-182
Should Have Stopped After: Blink-182 (2003), before any of them released any material as +44 or Angels and Airwaves

8. Radiohead
Should Have Stopped After: Ever deciding to form a band and torture my generation with the abominations they claim to be “innovative music”.

7. Bob Dylan
Should Have Stopped After: Slow Train Coming (1979)

6. Guns N Roses
Should Have Stopped After: Appetite for Destruction (1987)

5. Prince
Should Have Stopped After: Purple Rain (1984)

4. U2
Should Have Stopped After: Auchtung Baby (1991)

3. Gwen Stefani
Should Have Stopped After: Probably Tragic Kingdom (1995), but definitely Rock Steady (2001)

2. Eminem
Should Have Stopped After: The Marshall Mathers LP (2000)

1. Michael Jackson
Should Have Stopped After: Thriller (1982)

Top 10 Seinfeld Episodes

Seinfeld is the greatest television show of all time. 9 Seasons, 180 Episodes of pure genius. To be honest, the show is so good that a Top 10 list of best episodes in almost arbitrary. In three months, this list may very well be different depending on what seasons I’m watching more then. I feel though, that these are ten episodes I can turn on anytime and laugh my way through. Many of them include memorable lines, or plots so ridiculous and awesome that they are hard to fathom. If you are a Seinfeldfan please leave your Top 10 in the comments.

10. The Rye (S07E10)
9. The Cartoon (S09E12)
8. The Dinner Party (S05E12)
7. The Heart Attack (S02E8)
6. The Bottle Deposit (S07E20+21)
5. The Contest (S04E10)
4. The Switch (S06E10)
3. The Outing (S04E16)
2. The Alternate Side (S03E10)
1. The Strong Box (S09E13)

Top 10 Bands That Prove God Hates Us and Wants Us to Suffer

10. Pat Boone
He would be higher on the list but he’s really not making music any more. A quick Wikipedia search will tell you that not only does he white wash music that we may consider “racial,” he’s also a devoted Christian fanatical douchebag. His self-proclaimed biggest fan is evangelical TV preacher Jack Hayford. And in 2006 he said that those who opposed the Iraq War couldn’t ever be considered patriotic. So have fun with that. Also, he used to live next to Ozzy Osbourne.

9. Color Me Badd
From Oklahoma, the land that God forgot, comes Color Me Badd. They officially disbanded in 2000, but not before releasing I Wanna Sex You Up which is basically three or so minutes of over produced white-neo-urban-pop-R&B pseudo porn. Just nothing good about any of it. They also were almost single handedly responsible for the boy band boom in the late 90s thanks to their success in the early 90s.

8. Nickelback
Oh lordy, do I hate Nickelback. And basically anyone I’ve ever met also hates them. I’m not sure how they sold a single record, but last count, they’ve sold millions and millions and millions and millions of fucking albums. Seriously. What the fuck. That’s not even a question. It’s a statement.

7. Kenny G
Okay, so he’s basically a parody of a real musician, and has been the butt of every joke since forever. I can’t even add anything. The problem is, he sells records. I hate him. I don’t sell records, but even if I did, I’d hate him. I mean, don’t you?

6. Coldplay
Out of all the bands on this list, Coldplay is probably the most mainstream, relevant, and unfortunately, popular. But let’s be clear. They’ve always been royally terrible. I mean, it’s bald. It’s whitewashed. It’s a weaker, slower version of Radiohead. And Radiohead is so awful I’d rather cut open my genitals than listen to a whole record of theirs. And Coldplay is worse than that.

5. Yanni
This might be a bit of a knock on the man. I mean, he’s put out a lot of albums, and he really stays out of the mainstream, because as far as I can tell, he understands we all hate him. I mean, he’s a Big Ten college grad (U. of Minnesota), and he’s completely self taught. Which is all respectable. However, he looked at John Tesh and decided that he would be an excellent band mate. Also, he regularly pimps for PBS. This list will certainly show him for helping a good cause!

4. Michael Bolton
HOLY LORD, Michael Bolton sucks. After seeing him on some of the VH1 “I Love the...” shows, I realized he has a sense of humor about how he sucks, and writes songs for fat 45 year old women, but that doesn’t excuse him. Not at all.

3. Celine Dion
Now, I hate Canadiens, but she deserves to be on this list for that Titanic song along. Aside from that, she caused that SNL skit where someone parodied Celine Dion and had a talk show, and that reoccurring skit was one of the worst things ever. It’s so bad that in the first draft of this I wrote “shit” instead of “skit” and Spell Check had no problem with it. Even Spell Check knows.

2. Creed
I asked three people who should be on this list, and they all said Creed first. So, Creed’s first. Except I vetoed them. So Creed’s second. Maybe it’s not fair. But you know what? They took grunge, made it even worse, added a Christian edge, and then shit it out across the United States. A very good friend of mine was into Creed in 7th grade. I won’t shout him out, but he knows who he is. They’re just terrible. And then they broke up, and Scott Stapp went solo, and the rest of the band became Alter Bridge, and both were as bad as Creed. It goes to show: shit minus shit still equals shit.

1. Insane Clown Posse
Juggalos. Google them. Look them up. Look up ICP. Or it’s record label. Or their professional wrestling league. Read up on them and come argue with me. That is all.

Top 10 Music Videos of All Time

Yes. Mtv. Music Television. Yes, throw in cliche jokes about how Mtv doesn't play videos anymore. I don't care. Music videos used to really be relevant. I remember when I was younger and my first exposure to songs was generally through music videos, because at that point I wasn't really listening to the radio. Anyway, below are my top ten choices for best music videos of all time, and for the first time ever, an honorable mentions section.

Please Please PLEASE subscribe to forfansoflists.blogspot.com. You can subscribe with any email address I think. At least "follow" me and get my numbers up. How will AOL buy this out if I can't prove I kick ass?

Comments loved.

10. Here I Go Again, Whitesnake

9. Smack My Bitch Up, Prodigy

8. Freak on a Leash, KoRn

7. Sabotage, Beastie Boys

6. Don’t Come Around Here No More, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

5. Here It Goes Again, OK Go

4. Sledehammer, Peter Gabriel

3. Buddy Holly, Weezer

2. Weapon of Choice, Fatboy Slim

1. Thriller, Michael Jackson

Honorable Mentions: Take on Me, A-Ha; Hurt, Johnny Cash

Top 10 Albums of the 1980s

10. It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back, Public Enemy

9. Closer, Joy Division

8. Back in Black, AC/DC

7. Run D.M.C., Run D.M.C.

6. 1984, Van Halen

5. Graceland, Paul Simon

4. Surfer Rosa, The Pixies

3. Born in the U.S.A., Bruce Springsteen

2. Violent Femmes, Violent Femmes

1. Thriller, Michael Jackson

Top 10 Cartoon Series of All Time

10. Tom & Jerry

Best Episode: Episode 13: The Zoot Cat

This one holds a deep place in my heart. My favorite childhood stuffed animal was a Jerry. The first book I remember my mom giving me was a big, hardcover coffee table book about the show. The mashups of action and classical music are still unique and entertaining to this day.

9. The Flintstones

Best Episode: Season 1, Episode 25: In the Dough

If anyone ever asks you what the first cartoon marketed to adults was, the answer is The Flintstones. They were sponsored by a tobacco company, and regularly appeared in cigarette commercials, which you can still find on YouTube. What made the cartoon truly great were all of the “old fashioned” gadgets that were made up by the dinosaurs, and they’d always zoom in on the dinosaur and he’d go “You think your job stinks” and there’d be a trombone sound in the background. A simple formula, but comic gold.

8. Aqua Teen Hunger Force

Best Episode: Season 4, Episode 6: Party All the Time

This is probably pound for pound the least famous, and least popular cartoon on the list, but it has a devout cult following. It takes place in New Jersey, where three Detectives (though the show has pretty much abandoned that angle) are living as roommates. Of course, the main characters are Frylock, a floating box of french fries, Master Shake, a five foot tall milkshake, and Meatwad, a small ball of meat that can transform into an igloo and hot dog shape. For me, what makes it great is its originality, and the outlandish nature of the plots and casts of characters. My favorite character is definitely Carl, who’s deadpan voice and misanthropic nature lend itself to some classic lines (“I put two and two together and decided you’re pissing me off.”) Not to mention his love of sleezy women and 80s Metal (such as Foreigner). Plus the show has had some fantastic guest stars, namely Andrew W.K. and Danzig.

7. Family Guy

Best Episode: Season 2, Episode 14: Let’s Go to the Hop

Okay, let’s make this clear. I don’t find this show funny at all anymore, and most of this information and commentary will be me talking shit. Like The Flintstones, it relies heavily on a formula, namely setting up disconnected flashbacks often based around puns or “the last time we...”. One of the things that made it unique in the beginning were the musical numbers, but I think the show is relying on those too much now, too. Don’t get me wrong. Prom Night Dumpster Baby is fucking funny as Hell. But after watching a few episodes the formula of story telling can be tiring. That aside, there are some points that are just chest burstingly hilarious, such as any moment where Adam West is doing anything, which earn it a spot on the list.

6. Fairly OddParents

Best Episode: Season 2, Episode 22: Cosmo Con / Wanda’s Day Off!

I’ll give you a clue. Spongebob Squarepants is not on this list. And the reason is that Fairly OddParents is so much funnier, but lacks the cutesy pajama pants at Target, etc. The cartoon subscribes to the Shrek formula, which is content that children of a range of ages can enjoy, as well as references that adults can laugh at, too. Recently they’ve added new characters and the show has started to go off, but if I’m surfing the channel I’ll always stop on this show. The show has a dynamite cast of supporting characters, including Ben Stein as the business-all-the-time Pixies, and Kris Kirpatrick as Chip Skylark, the famous boy-band superstar who’s always singing about teeth and dental hygiene. Adam West is also featured in this show as Catman, who is just ridiculous.

5. South Park

Best Episode: Season 5, Episode 1: Scott Tenorman Must Die

Johnny Cash Syndrome. That’s South Park in three words. Yes, the Scott Tenormen episode will make you pee your pants. Yes, they’ve had some classic episodes. But, South Park is really hit or miss, which has unfortunately limited its ceiling. And lately the show has basically just begun parodying whatever is in the news and adding crude jokes to go along with the story. The episodes that parodied Family Guy truly were genius, and the first few seasons are classic, but I feel like it’s taken a huge step down in the past few years, which is too bad.

4. Rugrats

Best Episode: Season 1, Episode 11: Touchdown Tommy

Another classic Nickelodeon show. The best episode: the Super Bowl one where one of the babies gets a bottle of chocolate milk, and they all start fighting over it, and the action in the pen mimics the action in the Super Bowl, with the play-by-play from the game being broadcast over the babies struggle to keep their bottle. I know that in the end they started to add characters and the show generally became shitty, but in general the characters were well developed, including the parents. It always struck me odd that Tommy was such a MacGuyver-esque genius, yet his father Stu, a toy inventor, couldn’t invent his way out of a wet paper bag.

3. Futurama

Best Episode: Season 2, Episode 4: Fry and the Slurm Factory

This was cancelled way before it’s prime. Similar to Arrested Development, Futurama was brilliant but couldn’t muster the ratings and revenue to keep it on TV. In the wake of its demise almost every episode has become a classic. Like the Flintstones and the Jetsons before it, Futurama got mileage out of taking modern inconveniences and putting them in a different time. Add in the space travel, stream of minor characters that filled different niches, and really I could watch this show all day.

2. Rocko’s Modern Life

Best Episode: Season 1, Episode 6: Trash-O-Madness

The third Nickelodeon cartoon on this list, and far and away the best. I watch these episodes even today, as a 21 year old, and can’t believe this was every marketed to children. So many of the jokes and concepts were really over my head as a kid, but the cartoon was done so well that I didn’t even notice, and still loved the show. It contained a lot of commentary on modern society, especially consumerism, and the animation seemed to be bad on purpose. In fact, the cartoon contained no parallel lines. The writing was chocked full of double entendres and sexual innuendos, and I recently read that a lot of the jokes have been edited in rebroadcast, which is a shame.

1. The Simpsons

Best Episode: All of Season 8

You can’t beat The Simpsons. It might not be the original, but after 20+ years it’s still going strong, and has dozens of classic episodes that even casual fans can recount years later. The Simpsons are to cartoons and television in general as The Beatles are to rock ‘n roll. I don’t care who you are, you know there are at least five episodes you love. And the fact that some of those might come from Season 8, Season 10, Season 13 is more impressive than people realize. People knock The Simpsons for “not being funny for years”, which I disagree with in general, though I can admit there is a time, roughly around Season 14 that the writing generally declines. That being said, The Simpsons still turned out 13 seasons of absolutely amazing episodes. Hundreds of great guest stars, every plot twist imaginable and then some, and catch phrases and characters that never grow old. The Simpsons is plain and simple a powerhouse. Most of the cartoons on this list that came after The Simpsons started stole/borrowed ideas, concepts, techniques, or plots from them. I could write for pages on the brilliance of The Simpsons and their timeless genius, but I’ll keep myself from rambling.

Top 10 Metal Songs of the 1980s (That We're Afraid to Admit We Like)

Oh, the 1980s. Its kitsch and overly campy nature made it one of the best decades in both music and movies. Top 10 Movies of the 1980s is definitely a list waiting to happen. But the music of the 1980s. It might not ever be topped. And one genre reigned supreme, from the Strip in LA to NYC: Metal. Be it Glam Metal, Hair Metal, whatever you want to call it, 80s Metal to this day cuts right to the chase with glittery guitar solos and mascara-laden vocals, deep loud snares and competent bass work. And what's amazing is that the bands and songs that were legends and anthems then are so embarrassing to us now, especially if you're not still dressing like Don Johnson from Miami Vice. I know I have all of these songs on my iPhone, but when I'm listening to them I hide the screen so people on the train can't see what it is that's making me bang my head.

As always, post your top 10, your comments, your hatred or love for my picks, and let me hear what you, the people, have to say about it.

10. Dude (Looks Like a Lady), Aerosmith

Supposedly this song was written about Vince Neil, lead singer of Motley Crue. As the story goes, Aerosmith met the boys in Crue and they were all saying the word "dude" repeatedly. This, combined with how fucking ridiculous Vince Neil looked, lead Steven Tyler and co. to pen a song filled with gentle mockery.

9. Rock You Like a Hurricane, Scorpions

Scorpions are actually a band from Germany, which few realize because of the singer's lack of an accent. Accent or not, this song kicks a ton of ass, and it requires being turned all the way up on the stereo so you can sing along in your car as you drive to a mundane job wishing you had done better in college. It's title, and lead lyric, is vaguely bawdy, but still powerful and catchy.

8. Love Stinks, J. Geil's Band

You could probably really argue with the "hair metal"-ness of this track, but I think it has all of the ingredients. Super-effected guitars? Check. Short, easy, repeatable chorus? Check. Psuedo-girly looking men being chased after by chicks from Jersey? Check. To be honest, Centerfold is probably a better song, but is definitely not even vaguely metal.

7. Dr. Feelgood, Motley Crue

The verses in this song are a little weak, and Vince Neil wasn't ever one of my favorite frontmen, but goddamn, this chorus will stick with you for a week if you're not careful. I hear there are still people in Bedlam Asylum singing the line "He's the one they call Dr. Feelgood, He's the one that makes you feel all right." Add in Tommy Lee on the drums and some overtly unnecessary guitar solos, and you have a stone cold classic.

6. Jump, Van Halen

People don't give this song, the album (1984) or Van Halen enough credit for how they altered rock 'n roll. Sure, they could have kept up their formula, but instead they added in that synthesizer. As the band would recount later, they had the music, but needed the lyrics to go with it. The bright, poppy overtones lended itself to a positive verb, and Jump was born. This album deserves to be up with Nevermind as far as changing music. That synth is that important, especially when you see a synth in almost every band that comes of age nowadays.

5. Pour Some Sugar On Me, Def Leppard

Nine-Arm jokes aside, who can argue with this track? And ironically, it's the strong, deep, forceful bass and snare combo that really sets this song apart. From the gibberish being mixed around at the beginning to that gut-crunching riff in the verse, Def Leppard somehow found a way to write a song so good that we'll forgive them how retarded they spell their name. And I don't care if you've lived under a rock for fifty years, you know the melody to the chorus, and you know that you want some sugar poured on you.

4. Cum on Feel the Noize, Quiet Riot

This song was just on my lift of best cover songs. It was originally written by a band named Slade. Quiet Riot took it, added some 1980s metal-fantasticness to it, and kicked Slade's ass out the door. The chorus is insanely catchy, and the simple verses make it very easy to learn the words, for full in-car sing along abilities. The strained vocals and background-chanting are what really pull me in.

3. Cherry Pie, Warrant

This one really makes it in here on a technicality. It wasn't released until 1990 but it was recorded and finished in 1989, which to me makes it count in the 1980s. I mean, it's just so 80s, how can you consider it anything different? I know that the video is what made it really famous, but I've seen naked women before, so I'm not too impressed with it. But the singular bell ride with that strong bass-snare backing up the crunching guitars hooks me every time. And when you add in that the song is so vulgar without actually swearing, it's just... it's just amazing.

2. Wanted (Dead or Alive), Bon Jovi

Metal men have a softer side. Some were rebels. Some lived out on the open road. It wasn't all loud distortion. They could bring the acoustic twang, too. And the intro to Bon Jovi's hit Wanted (Dead or Alive) always makes me want to drive down a dust covered dirt road in black and white. Add in the progression that grows throughout the whole song, and it turns into the slowdown jam at every party that you break out when you need a breather but don't want to stop singing. And if you love to air guitar, then this is the song you should practice to. You have the impressive acoustic arpeggios, but then the kick ass solos that bust in a few times.

1. We're Not Gonna Take It, Twisted Sister

Say what you want about Dee Snider. I love him. And always will. He had filed teeth. He dressed like a nightmarish drag queen doll that went through several wardrobe changes, except never took anything off. But you can't deny that he knew how to write an anthem. And what an anthem this is. It just leaks pure testosterone. It lends itself to chanting and fist pumping. Break this out at a party, and I don't care who's there or what they're doing, but when that chorus comes up everyone is jumping in place, fists banging in the air, screaming those five words over and over again.

And because every good metal head knows you always crank it up to 11...

BONUS! Don't Stop Believing, Journey

Okay, maybe not so metal. But it has all of the over the top aspects that any good metal song needs. Long, slow build up; fast, almost-out of place guitar solos; catchy chorus; and as a bonus, everyone on earth knows the first verse, and will stop what they're doing to belt it out. Yeah, she took the midnight train going anywhere. Yeah, some will win and some will lose. But it doesn't matter. We're never going to stop believing. And we will always hold on to that feeling.